Looking Back - Why am I here?

With the close of May and Summer's approach, I'm pausing to think about things, and I'm asking myself questions.  "Why am I here, what am I doing, and what would cause me to take on an endeavor such as this one."  Equally important, why would I even think of writing about this, sharing it with the world?"

Well, first about the reason for sharing--that's basically my nature.  I love to talk, write, interact with others.  But I really considered documenting this in a blog as a way to be held accountable.  The temptation of alcohol has never been a problem.  But, I have thought of how easy it would be to give up this year quest if I didn't know someone (you) were reading and following my journey.  Even with this in mind, I still question other motives for all of this.

As I've mentioned before, I have thought of giving up alcohol many times in the past to see how I feel.  Sometimes feeling low, sometimes having no energy, feeling aches and pains in the morning, and generally affecting my health, I felt alcohol could have been a causal factor in many of my conditions that caused concern in the first place.  I know it impacted my health, but I now realize that the low energy and ho-hum feelings were in part due to alcohol, brain chemistry and general conditioning of my emotions.  Being a creature of habit, I trained myself to be depressed, and alcohol has this ability to make you feel temporarily happy, but then the side effects drop you from the splendid feelings you experienced for a moment or two.  What you are left with is a desire to drink to feel good, only to be left deeper and deeper in a pit.  But for five full months now, I've been able to clearly think about these issues without being left in the pit.

Sure, I've felt ho-hum and low at times in the past year, but I've not found myself in the pit.  Without alcohol, I can handle the depression and move through it to a positive result, instead of recycling it over and over again.  On another note, I guess I'd have to admit that I became someone I wasn't comfortable being.  And I wanted my family and friends to see a different person that wasn't affected by the "Pit Effect" but habits are hard to break.  I still have conditioned ways of dealing with stress and my demeanor still is my nature.  But I don't think I'm a bad person, just inconsiderate sometimes.

I think mostly about my wife, Kandy.  Although I'm sure Makenna and Danielle, my daughters were affected by my reactions to stress in the 3 and 23 years that I've known them, but Kandy seems to be in the middle of the intense receiving of the "Don Pit Effect" most of the time.  And many times in the past seven years, she has wanted to leave because of the stress.  Still she stays, only to ride the roller coaster of feelings that many couples experience when one or both have difficulty expressing their challenges with, well, just life.

Now, for those of you without problems, without relationship issues, or substance abuse problems, I'm sorry to expose this to you.  When your life is perfect, and everything is peachy like on the set of television's Friends you don't know about these problems and are usually put-off by such exposure to situations like this.  But I realize that perfect people (or families, or relationships) are few and far between.

In my personal case, I almost didn't marry Kandy.  I felt at age 32 (me) and age 21 (her) that I already had too much baggage to subject her to, and she being so young, going from mom's house to our house, that she had her whole life ahead of her.  Four times I considered dropping out of the marriage, and probably as many times after the wedding, I too wanted to push Kandy away, especially during my stressful situations in my job in the military.  I guess I was lucky that Kandy was in love with me at times when I wasn't very loving to her.  Now the tables are turned, and Kandy is now questioning her love for me.

This is something that has been reoccurring every couple of years for the past seven years or so.  It's important to note that we've been married 15 years in June.  That's a long time for most marriages to even survive.  Maybe most couples take for granted the first few anniversaries and I think we were no exception.  It's evident in the fact that I've kept almost all the anniversary greetings from Kandy over the past few years, during the seven-year time of challenge.  These messages are probably more important to me because I know that Kandy cared about us during times of struggle, not just the good times too.

At 10 years, Kandy wrote this in a blank-inside card:

                                                                   2006
                                                                   10 Years!

     "For all the past adventures, support in my career and learning to understand my moods and "issues"...
Thank you!"
There's many more adventures to be had & I'm sure, more learning"

Happy Anniversary
               Love,
                   Kandy

Even as our 15th anniversary passes in a little less than a month, the outlook for success never is assured.  And even with seven years of challenges and struggle, we still have time at the 14-year mark to recognize the "Great Memories" and to say "Thanks for Everything."  (Kandy's words last year in June)

I guess when I considered not marrying Kandy in 1996, I was afraid of the challenges we'd face in the future.  Shortly after that, from 1997 to 1999, I pushed away, and she stayed there with me.  I didn't leave, and we grew to travel for adventures, have a gorgeous baby girl, and build a life many people observe as "fortunate." And I mostly feel fortunate.

I guess I'd have to say I'm fortunate to have Kandy, and Makenna, and Danielle in my life.  All three are people who almost didn't happen to me.  My relationship with Danielle's mother seriously affect my relationship with this first daughter.  And had I backed out of marriage to Kandy or separated from her before 2007, Makenna (or Kandy) wouldn't be the biggest things in my life.  The thought of losing any of this is something I consider to never have to experience.  It would be more than taking food or water away, but simply the air I need to breathe.

I love you Kandy,

Don

Happy Spring - Weather, Medical Reports, and Dreams!

Hi Everyone.  May is over half way through and the weather is just fabulous!  As this month comes to a close, I'm eager to share my experiences, lab results and dreams.

Many of you may remember my reports of new-found energy and motivation after suspending my alcohol consumption.  I can say that I've put that energy and motivation to riding my bike on long rides and yesterday was awesome.  I asked my wife to pick up Makenna after school for me and keep her for the afternoon so I could get a long bike ride in my schedule.  After taking care of some business in the morning, I rode my bicycle into Portland, met Kandy and Makenna for lunch and rode home in the afternoon...a total of 45+ miles.

Earlier in May, I rode a metric century (100 km = 62 miles), the Salem Bicycle Club's "Monster Cookie Ride" from downtown Salem to Champoeg State Park and back.  I went by myself, but met lots of new friends, including some gentlemen my age and one that has given up alcohol for the past 15 years.  The weather that May lst was the best of any of the Monster Cookie rides in recent years, and it was a fabulous day as well.  And I've got a few more century rides (real 100-milers) in my schedule for this year.


One of the major reasons for this journey through the land of sobriety was my health.  Not only fitness, but actual wellness within, both mind and body.  My physical last fall was crucial in my decision to make changes in my life.  Triglyceride levels were the main area of concern during my examination and at that time, I was at 193 (130-150 are consider safe levels in most adults).  In fact, 201 or higher is the "Alarm" level and seriously affects one's health.  I was only 8 points below the alarm level.

Well, now I am happy to share that my recent results from earlier this month are "117" and I credit that to limiting alcohol and going back to the gym...along with the occasional 62-mile bike ride.  Along with this improved health condition, I've also lost eight pounds and I'm sure some of that was regaining muscle.

Exactly 10 years ago, I deployed to Saudi Arabia in support of Operation Southern Watch.  In the desert, your body doesn't need as many calories to maintain metabolic body heat function.  After about a week of eating like I did in the US, my stomach started to feel sick after eating, and I think it was my body telling me that it didn't need these extra calories.  After adjusting my caloric intake down to about 1800 per day, and switching to more fruits and vegetables, I slowly dropped weight from about 215 down to 190 and back up to 192.5 over a three-month period.  That too was a period where I abstained from drinking alcohol, and my body responded positively.

And finally, a word about dreams.  In an earlier report, I remarked upon the difference in my dream states, experiencing more vivid and satisfying dreams.  Last week, I had another cheat dream where I was at a convention in a hotel and a server was walking around with a tray full of white-wine glasses.  I instinctively picked up one and took a drink, and in my dream, I realized that I was wanting not to drink and I put the glass back down on the tray.  I remembered the dream when I woke in the morning, and was relieved that I didn't really drink.

So what does all this mean?  I really don't know.  Could it be that I can drink and control my consumption.  I have noticed that dreams where I was going to go somewhere or go flying in my airplane were the subject, but some blockage was in the dream that kept me from getting to the good part meant that something in my life was limiting me in some way.  The topic of dreams now intrigues me and I look forward to researching dreams in general in many different ways.  Until then, I will continue to live in the "waking" world and will report back soon!

Don