Looking Back - Why am I here?

With the close of May and Summer's approach, I'm pausing to think about things, and I'm asking myself questions.  "Why am I here, what am I doing, and what would cause me to take on an endeavor such as this one."  Equally important, why would I even think of writing about this, sharing it with the world?"

Well, first about the reason for sharing--that's basically my nature.  I love to talk, write, interact with others.  But I really considered documenting this in a blog as a way to be held accountable.  The temptation of alcohol has never been a problem.  But, I have thought of how easy it would be to give up this year quest if I didn't know someone (you) were reading and following my journey.  Even with this in mind, I still question other motives for all of this.

As I've mentioned before, I have thought of giving up alcohol many times in the past to see how I feel.  Sometimes feeling low, sometimes having no energy, feeling aches and pains in the morning, and generally affecting my health, I felt alcohol could have been a causal factor in many of my conditions that caused concern in the first place.  I know it impacted my health, but I now realize that the low energy and ho-hum feelings were in part due to alcohol, brain chemistry and general conditioning of my emotions.  Being a creature of habit, I trained myself to be depressed, and alcohol has this ability to make you feel temporarily happy, but then the side effects drop you from the splendid feelings you experienced for a moment or two.  What you are left with is a desire to drink to feel good, only to be left deeper and deeper in a pit.  But for five full months now, I've been able to clearly think about these issues without being left in the pit.

Sure, I've felt ho-hum and low at times in the past year, but I've not found myself in the pit.  Without alcohol, I can handle the depression and move through it to a positive result, instead of recycling it over and over again.  On another note, I guess I'd have to admit that I became someone I wasn't comfortable being.  And I wanted my family and friends to see a different person that wasn't affected by the "Pit Effect" but habits are hard to break.  I still have conditioned ways of dealing with stress and my demeanor still is my nature.  But I don't think I'm a bad person, just inconsiderate sometimes.

I think mostly about my wife, Kandy.  Although I'm sure Makenna and Danielle, my daughters were affected by my reactions to stress in the 3 and 23 years that I've known them, but Kandy seems to be in the middle of the intense receiving of the "Don Pit Effect" most of the time.  And many times in the past seven years, she has wanted to leave because of the stress.  Still she stays, only to ride the roller coaster of feelings that many couples experience when one or both have difficulty expressing their challenges with, well, just life.

Now, for those of you without problems, without relationship issues, or substance abuse problems, I'm sorry to expose this to you.  When your life is perfect, and everything is peachy like on the set of television's Friends you don't know about these problems and are usually put-off by such exposure to situations like this.  But I realize that perfect people (or families, or relationships) are few and far between.

In my personal case, I almost didn't marry Kandy.  I felt at age 32 (me) and age 21 (her) that I already had too much baggage to subject her to, and she being so young, going from mom's house to our house, that she had her whole life ahead of her.  Four times I considered dropping out of the marriage, and probably as many times after the wedding, I too wanted to push Kandy away, especially during my stressful situations in my job in the military.  I guess I was lucky that Kandy was in love with me at times when I wasn't very loving to her.  Now the tables are turned, and Kandy is now questioning her love for me.

This is something that has been reoccurring every couple of years for the past seven years or so.  It's important to note that we've been married 15 years in June.  That's a long time for most marriages to even survive.  Maybe most couples take for granted the first few anniversaries and I think we were no exception.  It's evident in the fact that I've kept almost all the anniversary greetings from Kandy over the past few years, during the seven-year time of challenge.  These messages are probably more important to me because I know that Kandy cared about us during times of struggle, not just the good times too.

At 10 years, Kandy wrote this in a blank-inside card:

                                                                   2006
                                                                   10 Years!

     "For all the past adventures, support in my career and learning to understand my moods and "issues"...
Thank you!"
There's many more adventures to be had & I'm sure, more learning"

Happy Anniversary
               Love,
                   Kandy

Even as our 15th anniversary passes in a little less than a month, the outlook for success never is assured.  And even with seven years of challenges and struggle, we still have time at the 14-year mark to recognize the "Great Memories" and to say "Thanks for Everything."  (Kandy's words last year in June)

I guess when I considered not marrying Kandy in 1996, I was afraid of the challenges we'd face in the future.  Shortly after that, from 1997 to 1999, I pushed away, and she stayed there with me.  I didn't leave, and we grew to travel for adventures, have a gorgeous baby girl, and build a life many people observe as "fortunate." And I mostly feel fortunate.

I guess I'd have to say I'm fortunate to have Kandy, and Makenna, and Danielle in my life.  All three are people who almost didn't happen to me.  My relationship with Danielle's mother seriously affect my relationship with this first daughter.  And had I backed out of marriage to Kandy or separated from her before 2007, Makenna (or Kandy) wouldn't be the biggest things in my life.  The thought of losing any of this is something I consider to never have to experience.  It would be more than taking food or water away, but simply the air I need to breathe.

I love you Kandy,

Don