One of the first things I noticed after about a week of sobriety was that my natural urge to have a beer or glass of wine would creep up on me at the very times that I was conditioned to have a drink. Friday afternoons, Saturdays and Sundays, and every day after lunch when there was a left-over bottle of red wine offering one more glass of Cab Franc from the evening dinner before. Yes, I had really become acquainted and comfortable with a mid afternoon drink while my daughter was napping; I'd pour the last third or quarter of a bottle in a very large goblet (to save from having to make trips to the kitchen) and then I would usually watch a movie on Netflix or play a video game online. But now I notice I'm more edgy around that time and impatient when my 3 year old stays awake past her nap time. Still, I'm doing well.
During my first week of all this, I was talking with a friend at Trader Joe's. I told him about my journey into 1 Year in the Forest and he reached into is pocket and pulled out his Alcoholics Anonymous sobriety coin. I remembered meeting this friend a few years earlier and we discussed getting together offline sometime, but when I asked him if he liked beer or wine, he told me he doesn't drink and that he'd been sober for a number of years. At that time, it never dawned on me that he might be a recovering alcoholic. Through his willingness to share, I learned that many of us are alcoholics and I had to ask myself, could I be an alcoholic?
Depending on what source you read, the answer to my question could be yes or no. Sure, there have been times when I have drank to the point where I couldn't account for my time and awaken to discover that my friends had drawn a Cone-Head face on my stomach while we were floating in a sailboat in Lake Huron off the coast of Michigan. While in the military, there were plenty of times where I'd done something, while under the influence, that should have been rewarded with disciplinary action. And starting back as early as 16 or 17 years old, I can remember times where I know now that I should not have been driving an automobile. Even a few years ago, I can remember when I shouldn't have been riding a bicycle (Tour de Pubs, Portland, OR, 2006-2007).
Although not an excuse, I'd have to say that our culture, and especially the military culture, subconsciously enables an alcohol lifestyle. Many of my habit patterns were reinforced in the military culture through the spirit of camaraderie' and team dynamics. Living in Okinawa in my late teens and early 20's, I frequently deployed to South Korea and the Philippines for months at a time. These were places where going out to bars, drinking and flirting where a nightly occasion. Although we were there doing our job, we were on vacation of a sort. Frequently, we'd be lodged off base, in a local hotel, and we'd be able to walk to all the tourist bars, and here was the makeup of Angeles City, PI in 1984: bar, bar, bar, police substation, bar, bar, bar, hotel, bar, bar, bar, McDonald's, bar, Strip Club, bar, bar, police substation, and on, and on. To a young person of any background, this can be an exciting place and it's easy to get caught up in the wave of excitement when seeing a new world like this, especially for someone who grew up in the United States. When we returned to our home base in Okinawa, most of us relived the bar scene of the Philippines in our dormitories because there was always the "Class Six" store nearby.
The Class Six was our liquor store. You could buy spirits, beer, wine, mixers, and oh yeah, pretzels. If I were hosting a party, I'd ride to the Class Six on my bike with my military duffel on my back, and then I'd ride back with two cases of Budweiser--I was in great shape then! Because we were overseas, the taxes you see on alcohol in the states didn't exist. In 1983, a 4/5ths bottle of Bacardi 151 cost just under $5. Our dormitory common areas had four vending machines; one for candy, one for soft drinks, one for cigarettes, and one for beer. One of my dorm-rat friends had figured out that the beer machine was broken, and if you pressed the Budweiser button about five times without putting money in, and then hit the Olympia button, it would spit out a beer. I watched him fill a garbage bag with beer and take it back to his room. This same person was on the Air Force's "Do Not Drink" list I'd find out later. His ID card was stamped with red ink "No Alcohol" because of a previous alcohol related incident. I didn't know this at the time and enabled his drinking by giving him a bottle of Bacardi 151 for a Japanese shell clock. I thought it was a good trade, a $20 clock for a $5 bottle of booze.
Nevertheless, all of these situations from my alcohol past are now coming to light in a different view of the situation. I clearly see now that much of my drinking past was out of excess and dysfunction. My situation was unique and I was lucky; some grace kept me from killing myself in an accident, or worse, killing someone else as a result of my drinking. Am I an alcoholic, I can't say for sure. Certainly, I've done things while drinking that diagnosed alcoholics have done. Perhaps an alcoholic can control their consumption or abstain from drinking but maybe everyone who drinks is an alcoholic to a certain degree. Right now, I'm looking forward to the day when I can have a beer again. Only time will tell if I will go back to drinking in 2012, a year that is forecast to be a period of enlightenment and awareness in the consciousness of mankind. I'm excited to discover what the future has to bring me as well.
In my next post, I'll share more of my experience in drinking (and not drinking), as well as some philosophy on "Life, And Other Problems" so to speak. ;^)
Don (Aviator)
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